Merry Christmas
"Merry Christmas" is the traditional greeting used by Americans around Christmas-time. When you say it, not only do you wish your friends happiness, but you officially affirm the validity of Christmas by celebrating the coming of The Baby Jesus. If people don't say "Merry Christmas" enough by December 25, Christmas may not happen! According to Prof. O'Reilly, "Merry Christmas" has been and remains the best weapon for the righteous to use against the evildoers in the War on Christmas. Stephen Colbert heeded O'Reilly's message, and began his own campaign, the Blitzkrieg On Grinchitude, to support this embattled phrase. The Origins of "Merry Christmas" According to the Holy Bible, three Wise Men brought gifts to Baby Jesus at the first Christmas. They also gave him the first Christmas cards, which said, "Merry Christmas, Jesus!" on them. (The biblel does not say merry christmas nor does it mention cards. The gifts were not for his birthday but because he was a king. This is the first recorded usage of the phrase "Merry Christmas." Biblical scholars such as Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson are not sure where the word "merry" came from. One theory states that "merry" comes from the Greek word meryos, which means "Praise the Lord, Our Salvation has Come." But since Jesus spoke American, that theory is probably wrong. A more likely explanation is that "merry" is an acronym for "May Emmanuel Richly Reward You." The phrase was originally reserved for use by priests because of of of its sacred nature, but the Bill of Rights gave humanity free speech, so now everybody can (and should) use the phrase "Merry Christmas" as often as possible. However, the phrase is most commonly used by retail store greeters, who say the phrase hundreds of times a day in December. This practice originates from 1947, when Santa Claus was discovered loitering in the vestibule of the Macy's in New York City. Customers had to call upon the power of the Baby Jesus by shouting, chanting, or singing "Merry Christmas" at him until he left. Ever since then, the tradition of having people say "Merry Christmas" near the entrances of retail outlets has brightened America's Christmas shopping seasons, although the original incident has confused some people into associating "Merry Christmas" with Santa instead of Jesus. The Power of "Merry Christmas" Because of the power of the word "Merry", it is reserved for Christmas only. Nobody would ever say "Merry Birthday" or "Merry Thanksgiving". Also, nobody would ever say "Happy Christmas", because only "Merry Christmas" has the priest-recommended Christatrin, clinically proven to naturally enhance your Christmas experience. Saying "Merry Christmas" may also treat heart problems, such as Two-Sizes-Too-Small Syndrome. Say "Merry Christmas" to a Grinch or a Jesus Hater. You may be surprised at how effective this treatment can be! If you wish, you may apply "Merry Christmas directly to the forehead with a tattoo or a Sharpie. Use "Merry Christmas" regularly, and Christmas will arrive no later than December 25 - GUARANTEED! Warning: Side effects may occur if you use this greeting too early in the year. Consult your gut to find out when "Merry Christmas" is right for you. "Alternative" Greetings Bah, Humbug This phrase was said by Ebeneezer Scrooge in the novel A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. The plot of the novel revolved around Scrooge's attempt to kill Tiny Tim, a famous ukulele player, with the help of ghosts named Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde. A "humbug" was a type of insect that was common where Dickens lived (England), known for the annoying humming sound it made. By saying "Bah, humbug!" instead of "Merry Christmas!", Dickens meant that Christmas was just like an annoying insect, and should be either squashed, swatted, or sprayed with Raid. Dickens was also known for comparing New Year's Eve to a spider, and for lobbying to replace the popular Easter Bunny with an Easter Worm. Fortunately, by the time Charles Dickens published his Christmas novella "A Cricket on the Hearth" two years later, the public had gotten tired of his vermin-related holiday schemes and blatant disrespect for Christmas. Dickens' editor forced him to stop maligning the Christmas Spirit, and never write bug tales again. Although "Bah, Humbug" is still well-known, it is no longer in common use, and therefore not as much of a threat to The Baby Jesus as the other phrases. Happy Holidays "Happy Holidays" is a term invented by liberals who hate Christmas. Thinking they could keep the Baby Jesus from coming by refusing to acknowledge Christmas, they tricked people into saying "Happy Holidays", which doesn't mention Christ at all. The liberals started a War on Christmas, seeking and destroying references to Christmas wherever they found them. Decorations that read "Merry Christmas" were torn down and replaced with signs that said "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings" (see below). Nativity scenes were banned. Major retail chains, like Wal-Mart and Target, stopped selling "Christmas Trees" and started selling "Holiday Trees." The retailers even forced their greeters to use the perverse new phrase. The liberals claim that "Happy Holidays" is better than "Merry Christmas" because it is more inclusive of other winter holidays, such as Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, and The Satanic Blood-Feast of Hell's Revenge Upon Man. However, recent studies have shown that 96% of Americans celebrate Christmas, and the other 4% don't count as Americans. Obviously, the liberal argument is nothing but a cover-up for their true goal of stopping Christmas from coming. For a long time, things looked bleak as nobody heeded the warnings of Christmas' staunch defender, Bill O'Reilly. But when Stephen Colbert began his Blitzkrieg On Grinchitude, the retail corporations began to see the light. Wal-Mart allowed its greeters to say "Merry Christmas" again, and Target began selling Christmas Trees again. Because of Stephen's wise leadership, the forces of Christmas are strong, and "Happy Holidays" may soon become nothing but a bad memory. Season's Greetings This phrase is very similar to "Happy Holidays". The major difference is that "Season's Greetings" is more atheist, since it denies the existence of any holidays at all, not just Christmas. "Season's Greetings" sometimes doesn't get as much publicity as "Happy Holidays", but don't be fooled - it is every bit as dangerous as its cousin, perhaps more so. Usually, people don't say "Season's Greetings" out loud. Rather, the athiest phrase infects print media, appearing on Christmas cards (turned into Season cards), banners, and store decorations. Happy Hanukkah There is no known reason for anybody to use this phrase, although your Jewish friend may get a kick out of it.